My Journey
As I sit here contemplating my journey, I am blessed for the many experiences I have had that has brought me to where I am today.
31 years ago, I was 9.5 weeks pregnant. My husband and I were super excited about the birth of our first child expected in Feb 1988. Then July 12th I started spotting followed by bleeding then the unexpected miscarriage of our child. I was devastated, thinking I was cursed by God because of poor choices in the past. I was faced with a D&C, which left me weak and emotionally spent. The grief that washed over us as a couple was overwhelming. The words spoken by others were confusing and bruising i.e. You can have another one, be glad you were not farther along, and others. It seemed like they were diminishing the value of my child. I have never forgotten my child or the loss I feel for never getting to know this child created in love.
However, if this child had survived, I would not have my son that I do have. He has been the joy of my heart. I can not imagine life with out him. My pregnancy with him was robust and active. I felt him the first time at 9 weeks and consistently from 12 weeks to delivery. He was on the go and still is. I was grateful for every kick, wiggle, squirm and hiccup he had prior to birth. It was my assurance of his well being.
Labor with him was a whirlwind as it was augmented with pitocin. From AROM and administration of pit. to delivery was 2 hours and 21 minutes. I went from 4 cm -4 station to complete and +2 station in 1 hour 40 minutes. As his head was bulging my perineum the doctor pushed him back giving me an episiotomy. Out he came after 16 minutes of pushing. His head was so perfectly round and he was beautiful. HE came into the world 8# 2 oz, 19.75″ and a 15″ head. For the next few months he was a voracious eater.
Fast forward 2 year 3 month, I had just found out I was pregnant with our next child. I was sick every day of that pregnancy constant nausea minimal vomiting. we did not have insurance so we were covered with Medicaid. My provider options were limited to the county health department. In I would go each month for my appointment. The waiting was always filled with a variety of women from a variety of backgrounds and ethnicity. Few were smiling or interacting with others. As I would enter the waiting room I would walk up to the counter and pick a number than wait for my number to be called. It was so dehumanizing. Each visit was impersonal and quick being <10 minutes long. Around six months I was having trouble with extremely low and dropping blood pressure, looking back I believe it was dehydration. I was hospitalized and monitored where the cesarean rate was 38%. Once I was discharged, I determined in my heart I would NEVER again return. I told my husband I would rather die than ever go back. Either you can deliver this child or I am getting a midwife. He decided rather quickly to let me find a midwife for the remainder of my pregnancy. That was one of the very best decisions I have ever made. My daughter was born at home 3 months later with a midwife sitting cross legged at my feet while delivering on a birth stool supported by my husband behind me and my mother in front of me supporting my leg.
This event made me determine when I became a midwife all my clients would fell valued, well cared for and safe being in my care. I would serve all women providing the best care I could. I would take the time to learn about them and what was important to them. Treat them as an honored guest in my home. I would want them to look forward to their next appointment because they felt validated, heard, valued and safe.
I strive for that standard of care now that I am a maternal and infant provider. Each of my birth experiences has shaped me, grown me and transformed me into who I am today. I believe I am a more compassion person because of them. Each of your birth stories (miscarriage, still birth, abortion, live birth) are important and they shape who you are and who you have become. As you read my story may it inspire you in your journey.